Then I was mos siek, en agter daai v[l]okken siekness, I was caring for vrienede of mine, that’s mos also been siek, ne. Anyways, djy moet nie warrie nie, ek’s mos terug.

Two weeks ago, ne, wassie beginning van Ramadan vir ons Muslims. Now for those of yous that mos dunno wat die v[l]ok Ramadan is, dis mos one month, ne, een maand, waar ons, die Muslims, fast and pray. Ons eet innie more,  voor die son uitspring, en innie aand, agter die son gaan slaap toe. We mos abstain from sex, booze en smokes [although, we mos not supposed to drink en smoke, but some of us, soos ek, is 'n bietjie stoute], en allie ander naughty things wat mense doen, soos swearing, etc.

Die fast, so far, has been goed. My spirit, my gees, has mos been feeling uplifted, en renewed. Dis een vannie wonderlike dinge van Ramadan. Ek voel soos ‘n nuwe persoon, in my own way, en even though ek eet niks innie dag, I mos don’t feel weak. Dis mos not to say dat ek’s nie blerrie honger nie, because then, ne, I would be lying -en ons kan nie lieg nie innie holy maand of Ramadan. My maagie rombel baie, but dis mos not such a bad thing. Dis a chance vir ek to mos feel wattie bergie’s gevoel every day vannie jaar. Ek’s mos grateful vir alles wat ek het, from ‘n lekker warm bed, tot a roof over my head [yoh! that mos rhymes!]

Anyhoo, my vriende, as djy Muslim is, I mos jus want to inspire you to… wassie phrase? ..oh ja, “keep on – keeping on”! En as djy nie Muslim is nie, then show ‘n bietjie respek, jong. Don’t mos eat ‘n McDonalds of KFC burger in front of djou Muslim vriende, ne. Dis mos not nice, ne. No matter waar djy kom van, en wie djy is, you are a part offie human race, en we mus stand aan mekaar, and uplift each other. En miskien, as djy nie Muslim is nie, why not try to fast, even if dis vir een dag, of een week, ne. Show compassion, ennie universe will mos show it back to you. So, vandag, ek’s nie hier nie to mos make grappies, en praat rommel, but mos rather to ask you to take-on die persona vannie Nuwe Suid-Afrika, show respect.

Ramadan Mubarak.

رمضان مبارك

Ag, maar, I guess that’s mos how die koekie mos crumbles. Hulle het ‘n goeie run gehad: met ‘n draw; then ‘n los; en then to make a nice cherry oppie top, ‘n lekker wen!

Mense, soos my  jong neighbor, Ameera, se husband, Yasmin, het vir my gese that we did now make history innie World Cup Sokker, vir ‘n kak reason! Ek het vir hom gese “Wat? Wassie reason?” En hy het vir my gese that it’s omdat ons is die eie span that did not pass die eerste rond vannie World Cup. He did then make a dzjoke saying dis soos die kinders se in Monopoly, when iemand gaan na die tronk: “Djy sal nie paas begin nie, en djy sal nie twee hondered rand kry nie”.

I mus though say, that jus coz Bafana Bafana is uit die World Cup, now mos doesn’t mean that they have lost daai plekkie wat hulle did have in onse hearts! They mos did ‘n kak lot vir onse nasie! They did make me proud to mos be ‘n Suid Afrikaner, and I mos think that that has mos followed most people. Ek weet that lots of integration has mos also happened vannie World Cup spectacle.

Although Bafana Bafana did not win the World Cup, I mos know that they did win the hearts van die Rainbow Nation: Suid Afrika. So elke Vryday, I will still wear my Bafana Bafana shirt vir fan Friday, en I will fly my flag high, ne! Viva Suid-Afrika, Viva! …of assie man oppie TV se “Deyatanda Bafana Bafana, Deyatanda!”

With two more days to go, van vandag, dis mos so nice to se everyone getting so patriotic! Mense hettie sokkies op hulle car side mirrors, hulle hettie flags wat vlieg so high, en hulle trek aan hulle Bafana Bafana jerseys elke Vryday virrie Fan Friday. People are mos also gathering publicly to now watch the matches! Me, ne, I’m ginna  join in hulle spirit vannie season, en watch the match by die Grand Parade! Ooh! -die 2010 Soccer is mos like ‘n Derde Nuwe Jaar!

I mos think dis wonderlik to see onse nasie uniting as one, ne? I love it! …There’s mos only one thing that unites onse land meer as die FIFA World Cup Soccer, en dis mos boerewors rolls!

I’m even getting out my grandson se soccer ball, that he mos left by me die ander dag, en reliving my glory days, van my tiener jare, when I did speel sokker met die ander kinders in die straat! I think I mos still have it in me!

Anyways, ne, back to die World Cup Soccer, ek ken that there’s mos no better plekkie to be innie wereld, then mos hier in Suid-Afrika! En mense wat complain en se “Ek’s mos siek vannie soccer”, en gaan aan in die likes of that mus just Voertsek! Hamba! We mos don’t want you here, if djy’s so negative, please leave, ne, kanala?

And to my vriende, my vriende wat is siek mettie soccer fever soos ek, al ek sal vir djou se is: let’s all celebrate aan mekaar! “Woza Bafana Bafana! Laduuuuuuuuuuuuma!”

Let us show the world wat ‘n mooilike nasie ons is. Let us show them hospitality, innie waar Kaapse weg, met baie kos, en love! Kom ons show them, how a real nation mos stands together soos one, ne! And finally, kom ons lag, drink, eet, en support onse span Bafana Bafana! Ek weet die boys sal ons trots maak!

“Daar kom Bafana Bafana, Bafana Bafana wat  kom  met hul skill!”

Met al die joy wat die Soccer bring, there’s also ‘n klomp load of kaka. Daar’s ‘n poltical korrekulness about dit. Ek weetie if ons kan dit “soccer” call, of if we mus call it “football”? Al die fancy shmancy laanie woorde that we mus now start using. Hallo! Ons is mos Afrika, en we mos have our own bleddy woorde, en onse eie wegge about us.

Ons het catz-phrases, soos “shibobo”, “laduma”, en “woza”!

When onse span scores, can ons se “Laduuuuuma!”, of mus we now say “Ole’! Ole’! Ole’?”. Mus we throw onse woorde uit die venster soos ons vuvuzelas? They mos don’t want us to het onse vuvuzelas innie stadiums he. Ek’s jammer, but there’s mos no way they will now stop me from blowing my vuvuzela! If I want to blow my vuvuzela, I mos shall! Dis laat vir hulle en hulle kak! FIFA think they are mos die vokken Here in onse land. They kan mos tell our govenment what to do, maar there’s mos no way they can mos tell onse mense what ons kan en can’t do! I agree  we mus respect wie hulle is, en die this-en-that they want to mos impose op ons; en ek weet onse government will pussy-voettie around them, but I promise you, I’m not going to. I will show dem wat ons Suid-Afrikaners is about. We did show PW en sy ouens, en we can show die vokken FIFA corporation!

Ons is ‘n democratik land, en ons, die mense se wat is wat. Waarsie democracy in FIFA en hulle decisions? Ek sal vir jou wys: daar’s nie vokken democracy nie. What they say, we, die mense, mus take as Mohammed se truth, en somma bow down en doen as hulle se. Dankie, maar nie vokken dankie nie! Dis soos ‘n bleddy dictatorship! Ek’s trots van onse history, where we came from ne, en waar ons sal gaan. In Suid-Africa we don’t strive vannie power van die government, die wereld, of Eskom… Dis die power vannie mense!

So, if you mus now ask me wat ek sal doen over die nexte week, I will mos tell you. I’m ginna buy for me those South African car-mirror wings, ne, en wear dit as mittens (omdat ek het nie ‘n kar nie). Ek sal also ‘n groot Suid-Afrikaner flag koop. En then I’m ginna buy for me ‘n vuvuzela, ne…

“Poop-poop-pooooooop!”

Ek sal wys ek’s heppy en proud van my land. Ek’s baie trots van Bafana Bafana! They did mos gee vir my rede the way they’ve been playing in die laaste bietjie matzes. They are saying na die wereld, “Ons is nie die moggos yous mos think we are! Jus you wait, till djy is in onse land! Ons sal maak pap van julle, en eat you wit ons wors en chakalaka!”

Met die fever getting bigger, en bigger, I mos look forward to supporting my span, ne -die span van my land, die goud en groen Bafana Bafana!

I mos know Bafana will do onse nasie proud in elke weg. Hulle mus jus onthou to mos speel soos ‘n span, en nie elke man vir homself nie!

They mos don’t need to win, ne, maar as hulle nie speel een honderd persent in elke game they play, en they let onse nasie dow, they mus watz out! …Antie Fatima will be waiting, met my slipper en belt, en ek sal gee vir hulle such ‘n vet klap, they will they won’t know watter land hulle is van. Wat kan ek se? There’s only one thing that says, “Ek’s lief vir jou, my kinders”, en we all knowt wat dit is… A proper moering!

www.AntieFatima.co.nr

Dis kak laanie, en dis pretty, soos ek!

Dis vokken crazy innie Kaap, jong! Die ander dag, I did take ‘n bus vir die eerste tyd in such a long time. I now normaly travel oppie trein, but ja, that was mos impossible laaste week. The bus was mos packed, en daar was stoute kinders that jus made a bleddy noise the whole time! If you’s like me, en djy hou van peace-en-quiet, then you mus know how I did feel! Oppie trein is daar only preachers wat scream en gaan aan about hell, and tell you that you mus get “saved”, ne, or else you mos won’t go to heaven… Ek wietie wat hulle se probleem issie. You mos don’t see ‘n imam preaching en saying djy moet die ways offie prophet Mohammad follow, or else you will mos not go to heaven! Then there’s mos die blind mense wat sing “you pray for me, en I pray for dyou”, as hulle loop downie isle met hulle tin koppie met coins. I mos thank them for praying for me, maar hoekom moet ek pay them, if I’m ginna pray for them also, ne? Haai man, die mense moet dink, yoh!

Anyways, back na die Kaapse srtikes. Have dyou mos seen hulle? Yoh! Hulle mos toyi-toyi met so much agression! Why mus they be so? They mus mos know djy kan do it peacefully of happily.

Back innie dag, Gandhi did now teach us die peaceful weg. Maar mense nie luister nie, they mos don’t look at die verlede, en sien that dit kan mos werk, ne. En what about onse weg? Die stywe-Kaapse weg -soos die Klopse! You mus know, we did mos maak ‘n statement though creating onse own cultural way of protest, met dans, bright clothes, umbrellas, en catzi musiek en woorde.

“Dee-na-ka-naki-naa… Dee-na-dee-na-wooo”.

Dit mos instills a sense of joy through die circumstances. Onse is heppy mense, ne. Die ou government did mos hate onse gelukkige wegge. Agter die Klopse het hulle ding gedoen, there was mos no tyres around necks, en die mense did not want to rol! We did mos gettie punt across, en were heppy heppy!

So, ja, I mos tzallenge die strikers to mos add ‘n bietjie colour, ‘n bietjie cheer, ‘n bietjie unbrellas, en ‘n bietjie catzy liedjies, en  then, they will mos see, en feel die difference! Moenie aggresive wees nie.

What duz die wit hippies se, “Like bru, djy moet make love, not war”, of as my buurvrou, Antie Meryl, translates: “Moenie skattie -naai!”

Ek se vir hulle, ‘Jo ma se ….’ and you mos know the rest!

I am mos heppy being who I am.. Die Antie met opinions op elke bleddy subject! En if I want to now make use of my democratic right as ‘n Suid-Afrikaner, I bleddy well shall!

Yusus! -it mos really gets onder my vingers, when people het vir my gese dat dis nie “djy” nie, dis vokken “jy”.

Ek praat the way I speak… [dink oor that vir 'n moment of twee, of drie]..

Ek’s ‘n trots Kaapse mens, en I mos don’t care wat ander mense dink aan my.. Ek is ek.

What did really make me kwaad die ander dag, was when I did mos go to the bakery. Ek het virrie antie by die counter gese, that I will have 5 croissants. Then this antie se vir my dis nie “cRoissanTs” nie, dis pronounced so like “cwasson”…

Wat die vok! I ask you honestly, watter taal druk letters in ‘n woord, wat djy nie pronounce nie, of pronounce as dit was ‘n ander letter! Vok! Is hulle dom? Haai, man, ek wietie wat die probleem is in Frans.. Maybe dis one papsak too many? Actually, I think I have ‘n interressante point there. Papsak en kaas…

Ag, ek wietie wat mense se probleme issie! They must understand that een vannie world’s most respected countries for its laanie-ness en poshness, Frans, pronounce words incorrectly. If they can mos do it, then why can’t we, ne? Ons is Cape Town’s se pride en joy, en ek hou van ‘n lekker glassie wyn hier-en-nou..  I still mos think I mus be respected..

Ek se vir hulle that enough is enough! Ons wietie daar’s vokken kak in ons se land, maar is daar nie vokken kak in ander countries nie? Of course, ja! That’s the way everting works! Ons se vokken probleem is die vokken South African media! They now publicise crime en its kak more than other countries! Djy moet just kyk na die nuus oppie televisie for a taste!

‘n Groot ding wat my eyes het gecapture, is dat die SABC is mos government funded, ne. Now die government is mos heppy if everyone now lives in bleddy fear! So they will now ensure that stories in die nuus is mos fear-trembling ones. They mos want us, die mense van die land to feel insecure, so that we mos live in fear ne, en bow na die ‘saving grace’ that they mos try en show us.

Next, ek praat oor e-tv nuus, Suid-Afrika’s so-called ‘independant’ news broadcaster. This may be true, maar they don’t gee vir ons die storie in vol. Ja, believe it or not, dis mos vokken waar! e-tv se nuus is’n bleddy tabloid. They try and cover kaka in their stories, maar, they add a twist, en always favour one side. This djy kan mos sien when they mos cover a strike. They will ask mense for their opinions en in editing they will mos twist the tale to the way that will create mos ‘n stir en ‘n skandal! Dit was baie apparent wit die Andre Versagie interview, waar die man het vir hom gese “Don’t touch me on my studio”. e-tv also probeer  met baie crime stories in hulle nuus, because every bleddy move they bleddy make mus show the government to be poephols. Dis wat hulle try and do in elke vokken storie!

Maar die truth is, dis a bleddy misconcepsin dat South Afrika is a mind-dump van criminals! En uitlanders wat kom na ons se land, will be bleddy fine. They must jus remember that crime is everywhere. If you’re a moggo, en djy dress like a tourist, then don’t komplain na ons if some laaitie come rob you. Djy moet weet, dieselfde ding mos occurs to us when we go over the seas. We now don’t dress in touresty clothes if we mos go to New York, of Turkey or Malaysia.

So, if I can mos offer advice to anyone wat bang vir South Africa is, my advice is don’t let the nuus put you off coming to ons se mooi land, because a lot of it is mos to keep us Suid-Afikaners in check. Ons is ‘n vriendelike land, en we love being hospitable. So djy moet try en be like me, ‘n mens wat het oppie flats gewoon for all my lewe. Ek het nie ‘n bleddy fear virrie government en hulle propoganda nie. Ek live for the here en now met die beste mense, in beste land!

My uitlander vriende wat kom na my land virrie Soccer, I want to finnis of by saying one thingy to you:

Don’t be sad, don’t be blue, jou land het crime too!